Can masturbation or using a sex toy desensitize the clitoris? And would my partner prefer her sex toy over me?

Dear Readers,

Any desensitization or numbness of the clitoris that may occur due to rigorous or frequent masturbation is temporary, and it would not prevent people with clitorises from orgasming during intercourse or other sexual acts. Temporary loss of sensitivity in the clitoris may occur when using high-powered toys, but you can experiment with different toys to find the right toy or vibrator. One study determined that vibrator use was associated with positive sexual function. In fact, masturbation, with or without the aid of a sex toy, may increase desire, improving the quality of orgasms either from self-pleasure or pleasure from their partner. Masturbation is also a way for people to self-explore and discover their body and pleasure points. By learning what feels good on your own, you can communicate your desires to your partner.

Some people understandably fear that using vibrators may negatively impact genital nerves. While some people may experience mild discomfort after long or vigorous use of a vibrator, the effect is only temporary. This can occur after longer, vibrator-free masturbation sessions or extended periods of oral or vaginal intercourse. Using vibrators isn't reported to cause long-term risk of clitoral desensitization. If a person experiences temporary loss of sensitivity, the person’s body will be able to respond to pleasure once again through use of fingers, a vibrator, or a partner's touch.

Some people express concern over introducing sex toys into their partnered sexual play. They may fear that somehow their partner will begin to prefer the new stimulation, or that they'll seek to replace them with a toy of a larger size. Vibrators and dildos can help people with vaginas orgasm or get there faster, or simply provide a new type of stimulation to a couple's sexual activities; however, sex toys, can't vocalize one's desire, be emotionally supportive, hug, or kiss a partner. They're enhancements, not substitutes or replacements, that can allow partners to experience pleasure in a new, different, or enhanced way. They can't take the place of the emotional, human bond and intimacy that you and your partner share.

So, rest assured: masturbation isn't likely to pose a threat to you or a partner being able to orgasm. Nor, is it anything to be ashamed or embarrassed of, even though it has long been stigmatized especially for cis girls and women. Dating back centuries, masturbation was referred to as “self-pollution” and an “unnatural practice.” It was seen as a defilement of the body to attempt to orgasm “without the assistance of others” as it was thought to be a defiance of God’s expectation that all sexual acts must be done between a man and a woman in order to continue to human species. In recent years, masturbation has become more normalized, and it's in fact one of the first sexual experiences individuals may explore. Although the shift in narrative on self-stimulation may not be supported by somes cultures and religions, generally, exploration of the body is considered healthy and common practice for all genders. It doesn't cause physical harm to the body, and it can in fact improve sexual health. In one study, more than half of the cis women surveyed between the ages of 18 to 49 reported having masturbated in the past 90 days, with women aged 25 to 29 reporting the highest rates of masturbation. 

By normal sexual intercourse, you might be referring to penile-vaginal intercourse, which is considered “complete” by some once both partners have an orgasm. However, what works for some people may not always work for others. Only about 30 percent of people with vaginas orgasm through penile-vaginal intercourse alone and are actually more likely to orgasm through clitoral stimulation on their own or with a partner. Considering the nerve endings are in the clitoris and not the vagina, it makes sense that using hands, fingers, a vibrator, or even pubic bones and hips to place pressure on, and pleasure the clitoris during intercourse or sexual play increases the chance for experiencing an orgasm. However, it's worth noting that there are some physical and psychological factors that may impact sexual arousal or an orgasm from vaginal penetration. Physical factors that may impact experiencing an orgasm include: fatigue, drug use, alcohol use, diabetes, or injury to the genital area or the spinal cord. Menstrual periods can also cause hormonal changes that can impact your body’s sexual response, as can your age. Psychological factors that may have the same impact include: emotional or post-traumatic stress, a lack of self-esteem, contraception, a lack of a comfortable environment, and performance anxiety.

In order to ensure that everybody involved is enjoying themselves, communication between partner(s) during sex is key.  Knowing your body and establishing what feels good presents the opportunity to express your needs to your partner(s), or simply self-explore.  Pleasure is different for everyone. As long as you give and obtain informed and enthusiastic consent, enjoy the exploration.